The Microsoft Lexicon G-P

The Microsoft Lexicon
Or Microspeak made easier

Edited by Ken Barnes

Please note: We are aware that many of these terms did not originate with Microsoft; the idea of the Microsoft Lexicon has been to chronicle the language as it is used at Microsoft. (If you have theories about etymology, however, we'd love to hear 'em. Everybody seems to have a story for "open the kimono"...)

Post your own notes about the Lexicon on Jeeem's Fridge (click here)

Or send submissions to: mslex@cinepad.com and they will be forwarded to the editor.

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Generating Content: Writing. "We'll need to hire some content providers to generate content by Milestone 1."

Global Fix: A programmatic trick to correct all instances of a recurring error. "Ed's working on a global fix to turn all the commas in the CD-ROM into semi-colons."

Going Forward: Synonymous with "moving on"; phrase used to express impatience with comments deemed irrelevant, distracting, overly defeatist, or negative. "Going forward, what kind of dev resources do we need to go live with this?"

Golden: Having achieved perfection, or close enough for shipping, anyway. Primarily used in reference to products, but also applied to people ("You're golden now, pal") to signify "in a great position," "in great shape," etc.

Granular: Generally, and rather peculiarly, used in tandem with the verb "to get," as in "We need to get granular on this issue," meaning to examine the fine details. To get granular one needs, it goes without saying, to drill down.

Gronk: The sound of a computer embroiled in bandwidth issues. "I tried to reboot, but my computer just sat there gronking until I had to call Help Desk." Possibly more a generalized computer geek term than a specific item of Microspeak.

GUI (pronounced "gooey"): General computer-industry usage. Acronym for Graphical User Interface. GUIs allow people to navigate through applications and documents on computers using graphical icons and buttons. The Apple Macintosh popularized the GUI, allowing users to open applications by clicking on icons with a mouse rather than typing commands on the keyboard. Then Microsoft, in a revolutionary turn, took GUI to the next level by renaming the Macintosh Trash Can the "Recycle Bin."

Headcount: Actual employees, as opposed to mere contractors (otherwise known as "a-dashes" [q.v.]—essentially glorified temps—or "v-dashes"—vendors or independent contractors). Although contractors have been known to earn higher salaries than headcount, an elaborate caste system based on perks (from medical benefits and stock options to window offices, exclusive free use of sports and exercise facilities, and massive company-store discounts on software and hardware) is in place to keep contractors in their place.

Heads-Up: An alert; a signal to be ready to deal with an issue: "That's a heads-up for you on the HTML issue."

Hit: Impact, drain, burden. Ex: "Delivering that v-chat feature will be a huge hit on dev." Also (general usage), a user impression on a website.

Hosed: Slightly more polite synonym for military terms like FUBB or FUBAR; totally screwed or technically disabled. Usually used in reference to a malfunctioning computer app or program. Generally personalized—"I'm hosed" rather than "This is hosed." Probably unrelated, mysterious term of unknown origin meaning the same thing: hoarked.

Issue: All-purpose term for practically anything relating to a product, from a particular characteristic or bug to a delicate diplomatic initiative. Used indiscriminately and often.

Iteration: Version, generation, refinement, etc. E.g., "That issue will come up in future iterations." Conforms to standard dictionary definition but still strikes a singularly unpleasant and jarring note when used in common parlance.

Klugey: (also Kludgey; pronounced "CLUE-gee): Clunky, inefficient, inelegant. "It's kind of a klugey solution, but we don't have the cycles to clean it up." Also used in noun form as Kluge or Kludge.

Leverage: To take advantage of; capitalize on. "Let's leverage the publicity hit we got from the Wired article into the marketing strategy for the website."

Live: Odd biomorphic usage, sort of an electronic half-life. "Where will this data live?" means "Where will I be able to find this data?" or "Where will this data be located?"

Low-Hanging Fruit: The simplest, most readily solvable issues or objectives.

Mail Thread: A sequence of e-mail messages dealing with a single issue, in which a question is asked or a situation is posed and a handful or dozens or hundreds of people throw in their electronic two cents' worth.

Mangled Microspeak: A thoroughly perverted twist on the original jargon. One of the primary purposes of Microspeak, like all professional argot, is of course to separate the insiders from the outsiders via largely impenetrable terms and phrases. Mangled Microspeak essays a further refinement by attempting to separate the insiders from the true insiders by garbling typical Microterms—e.g., "burning a lot of cycles" becomes "toasting many scooters"; "drill down" becomes "shovel deeply." Always used orally, and often spoken, for some reason that probably relates to ancient Saturday Night Live skits, in a heavy, indeterminate European accent.

Mapping: Targeting. "Mapping a user group" is synonymous with "targeting an audience."

Media: Per the Cityscape Dictionary, "content that isn't words." (See Generating Content.) Media can include photos ("portraits"), song clips, video clips, illustrations ("graphics"), etc.

Metrics: Measurement, statistical data. (finish)

Migrating: Moving; usually applied to movement to new systems or programs. "This process will be migrating from Merismus to Mango next week."

Milestone: Semi-technical term for a predetermined point in the product build at which certain goals have been met. Numbered, as in Milestone 1, Milestone 2, etc. Often in reality more like millstones.

Mode: Frame of mind, usually denoting intense concentration: "Ed's in crunch mode; they're in danger of slipping."

Multi-tasking: Also "multitasking." Common technical term pertaining to multiple functions performed by a computer, applied to people in the sense of juggling two or more tasks simultaneously (speaking on the phone while answering e-mail, walking while chewing gum, etc.). Variant: Parallel Processing. Adjectival variant, describing someone able to multi-task: Multi-threaded.

NDA: Acronym for Non-Disclosure Agreement, meaning Keep Your Mouth Shut. A legal document, invoked by Microsoft attorneys for anything more sensitive than setting a lunch date, that allows them to crucify anyone who reveals confidential information.

Net: Summarize. "Ed really knows how to net a presentation." Related command: Net it out, meaning boil it down.

New Paradigm: Pompous way of essentially saying "unique": "This website establishes a new paradigm on the Net."

Nimble: Agile, responsive, quick to react. Generally used to describe smaller software companies, which tend to be able to make decisions and maneuver more quickly than the lumbering monolith that Microsoft has, in many spheres of activity, become.

Nonlinear: Becoming nonlinear is roughly synonymous with "going apeshit"; in other words, irrationally angry. "When he found out the RTM date was slipping, Ed went totally nonlinear."

Offline: (also, off-line). Outside the confines of a mass meeting, so as not to take up the time of attendees not directly concerned with an issue. Ex: "Let's take this conversation offline." By extension, a synonym for "in private" or "confidentially"; "Let's take this offline" equals "Let's talk about this in private." Nuance note: the word "offline" cannot be used in Microspeak unless it's preceded by the construction "let's take this ________". Often used as a semi-polite way of saying, "Shut up about that, you impolitic idiot. These a-dashes aren't cleared to know about it."

1:1: Pronounced "one-on-one." Possibly of extra-Microsoft origin. A regularly scheduled (usually weekly) meeting between a program manager or other supervisor and a subordinate (if a nonhierarchical hierarchy like Microsoft can be said to have subordinates) to review issues specific to the subordinate's duties. The subordinate is frequently joined by the program manager at these meetings, if the program manager has time.

OOF: A TLA that's turned into a word of its own. Stands for "out of office," although as an accurate acronym it leaves something to be desired. (OOO would be more precise. Historians tell us that OOF originally meant "out of facility" [or, alternatively, "off of facility" or, even more alternatively, "Out of Office Feature," which last may be the most logical derivation], a vastly more awkward and stiff way of saying "out of office.") Most frequently used as part of the phrases "OOF mail" or "OOF notice," meaning an automatic e-mail response to correspondents informing them that the receiver will be out of the office for a designated period. Also occasionally used, rather irritatingly, in conversation: "I'm OOF next Friday; you'll have to drive on it." (See also EOD, EOM)

Open The Kimono: A marvelous phrase of non-Microsoft origin, probably stemming from the rash of Japanese acquisitions of American enterprises in the ‘80s, that has been adopted into the Microspeak marketing lexicon. Basically a somewhat sexist synonym for "open the books," it means to reveal the inner workings of a project or company to a prospective new partner.

Orange Badge: Contractor, temp, contingent staffer (see also A-dash). From the background color of the photo ID badge/card key used for temps.

Outsource: To assign a project to off-campus vendors. "We don't have the bandwidth to finish this feature; we'll have to outsource it." Term now spread throughout the entire lean, mean, downsized business world.

Over The Wire: (Probably not restricted to Microsoft) Online. As increasing numbers of plebes learn to work the phrase "online" into their vocabularies, a new and potentially confusing piece of jargon meaning the same thing was obviously required, so necessity mothered invention.

Own: To take responsibility for an issue. Ownership is even more serious than drivership; you can drive an issue without owning it, but it's unlikely that you would own it without also driving it (just like automobiles, in fact). Syn—Champion (as a verb; to "champion the issue"). Variant—Owning The Vision: Ownership on a loftier, almost metaphysical level.

Permatemp: Temp/contractor/contingent employee who's been working for Microsoft for a consecutive period of years, rather than weeks or months. Controversial term, and touchy subject, at the company, owing to a pending lawsuit over whether permatemps are entitled to the same benefits and stock options as full-time employees (FTEs).

Ping: Term has evolved slightly and fallen in and out of favor; at time of writing (7/97) it's back in. A reminder, or (used as a verb, which is slightly more common) to remind: "I need to ping my program manager to get some more test help." Originally named onomatopoetically for an actual noise a computer would make when communicating with another computer to verify a connection.

Process: The complex system devised to deal with a deliverable involving tracing and documenting its progress through every stage of its development. The ideal process structure personnel ratio consists of approximately five people assigned to document the actual work of one person.

Product Planner: These theorists would simply be called marketers in most organizations, although Microsoft has marketers as well. Product planners are semantically positioned more usefully than the more mundane marketers, in that the term implies that the person's primary duties involve planning a product's campaign (theoretical) rather than marketing the product (actual work).

Push Back: Respond more forcefully to an unfavorable answer. If your request for three new headcount for your project is denied by upper management, you must push back with stronger reasons why you cannot possibly accomplish the project without those three headcount.

A-F G-P Q-Z

Post your own notes about the Lexicon on Jeeem's Fridge (click here)

Or send submissions to: mslex@cinepad.com and they will be forwarded to the editor.